I’ve been feeling like shit today.  It’s because of my host family.  This past week I barely saw or talked to my host family because I was ridiculously busy, and this weekend I’ve mostly been out.  I got a mail from my imouto earlier tonight saying something like it’s ok if I eat out, but to make sure to tell them properly.  The mail felt kinda passive aggressive and it just kind of set off some worries I’ve been having.

For a few weeks I’ve been really apprehensive around my host family because I have no idea where I stand with them.  I’ve been trying to converse with them, and I think I’ve had more success than I did initially, because I’ve managed to have a couple conversations and I talk with my okaasan at least once during dinner, so I think I get in some conversation.  Despite this fact I feel like my host family isn’t making a big effort to get to know me better, because I’ve yet to talk to my oniisan, I usually have to initiate conversation with my imouto, and I don’t see my otousan that much, so I don’t get the chance to talk to him much.  I don’t know how to feel, but I’m naturally leaning toward the fear that they either don’t care or they don’t like me.

My logic is telling me that this probably isn’t the case, because I heard from the homestay coordinator that my okaasan’s father is sick, apparently, and she’s been under a bunch of stress.  It’s hard to gauge how that’s affecting her and my interactions with the family at large, but it’s probably contributing to the somewhat apprehensive atmosphere that I’ve been feeling.  The homestay coordinator recently visited my host parents, so I’m gonna talk with her soon and tell her some of my worries and see how the visit went and if my host family said anything.

This whole situation has made me wonder about my social skills.  I was really socially awkward for a long time, probably until late high school, and even leading into college.  I didn’t know how to approach people or to talk to them, probably because I was afraid of criticism or belittlement, and I feel like my old social awkwardness and fear are cropping up again, but only in Japanese.  I am able to talk to other native speakers, and even Japanese people speaking English, with relative ease, but all my old reservations and fears come back when speaking in Japanese.  It’s a weird situation.

I think some of my preconceptions about Japanese society definitely play into my social awkwardness when speaking Japanese, but there are many similarities to my previous social problems in English speaking society, so it’s got me wondering.  Makes me wonder if there’s actually something wrong with me, or if I just majorly suck at socializing.