So, my host mother’s father died last night.  This means that I am switching host families, and thus my life as of today involves packing, moving, living out of my suitcase for a little while, and moving again and unpacking.  Then comes integration with an entirely new family.  So, basically, I will not be blogging that much in the foreseeable future.  I have time right now because I’ve just got to pack today (no way I’m doing homework) and I never take long to pack.

Last night I got back from hanging out with some friends a little late, and I found my host mother in the living room, told her I was back and asked if I could take a bath, since it looked like someone was in there and I thought maybe it would still be on.  She said that someone was already in there, then she asked me to sit down.

I sat down and she told me her father had died, so I would be changing host families.  I said that I didn’t know how to say this in Japanese, so in English (which she has been studying) I said that I was very sorry for her loss.  I figured it was important to offer my condolences, and since I didn’t know how to in Japanese, I figured I’d do it in English so she could at least receive the sentiment.

What happened then I honestly can’t explain the reasons behind, nor can I comprehend them.  At that point she began saying how things haven’t really been great in that she didn’t think I had been a good match for their family, and she indicated that she’s thought this for the better part of 3 months.  I began to say that there had been various miscommunications between us, which she kind of responded to by saying she wasn’t sure if they had been miscommunications, which threw me.  I kept going by saying I had screwed up, which I have, and that I was sorry for those times, and I thanked her for her hopsitality, then I went upstairs and sat in a daze, which continued through my shower and for a little while after.

Had things really been as bad as I worried they had been?  Maybe not bad, but they just weren’t working.  I can accept that, but what really bugged me, and what still does, is that I wasn’t really wanted in this (I say this because I’m still here, I move to a Doshisha dormitory tomorrow morning) house for 3 months.  I suppose that’s just speculation since I don’t know and can’t guess at my host family’s true feelings, but it was made clear that my host mother had thought I should be switched to a different family for a while now.

Another thing that really bothers me is when my host mother said, “I don’t know if it was miscommunication…”  This ties into something that the homestay coordinator brought up with me; due to these times when we miscommunicated or when I failed to clarify something, my host family saw that as me being selfish or having my own way.  I understand this, because we both had different impressions of the given situation: I would think things were fine, or I wouldn’t really understand, and the results of that failure to communicate (Cool Hand Luke wouldn’t fly well in Japan, I think) would lead to them seeing me as selfish.  So what bugs me is that even though the homestay coordinator said it was probably miscommunication, and I said that as well, it was indicated that my host mother still thought it was just me being selfish.  I suppose there’s nothing to be done about that, as actions speak louder than words, and I never got a chance to prove their impressions wrong.

But here’s a final thing that bothers me: I feel bad for saying this, but it seems like my host family was never that interested in me.  At first my host mother asked me questions and stuff, and I didn’t do a great job of continuing a conversation because my Japanese was bad, I was nervous, etc.  However, instead of trying some more or encouraging me to speak, at this point, I feel like she would give up, and just leave me be.  My siblings never demonstrated any interest in me, leaving it to me to start talking with them (which I never did my host brother, whoops), although recently I feel like I’d gotten better at talking to my host father.

I feel like they didn’t try hard to get to know me, but in turn, I didn’t try my hardest to get to know them, or to tell them about myself.  We both had our own ways of getting to know people, or ways of interacting with others, and those just never synced up.  I need someone to display interest in me in order to really start talking, because if they don’t, I get the impression that they’re not interested at all, and don’t want to hear anything about me.  I don’t really know what feels natural for them, but they probably have their own way of interacting and bonding with people, which I didn’t play to.

Returning to the conversation last night, one thing that I truly can’t understand, at all, is why she brought these things up.  Why couldn’t she have just left it at “my father died and you’re switching host families.”?  I mean, she did say that if there had been more time maybe we could have gotten along better, but other than that she mostly talked about her doubts so far.  I don’t think she was trying to tell me that I was a bad host student or anything like that, but if she had doubts, then why couldn’t she just keep them to herself?  I was leaving anyway.  I don’t know, maybe the concept of leaving those things unsaid just isn’t part of a Japanese person’s psyche.  She probably couldn’t have predicted my reaction or how I would react, in fact she probably didn’t think that what she was saying would hurt me in any way (which it kinda did).  Despite all of this, I still have no idea why she said it.  She started talking about it right after I offered my condolences, so maybe she mistook what I said in English for something else?  I don’t know.

At this point I need some time without having to worry about a host family, and it looks like I’ll get at least a little bit of time like that in a Doshisha dorm, which is good.  I still prefer independence to fitting into someone else’s schedule.  But then I’ve got to worry about a whole new host family.  With all honesty, right now I don’t want to try this again.  I don’t know what circumstances I need in order to have a successful host family experience, I don’t know what situation would lead to me getting along with my host family.  Maybe an old couple with no children who like video games.  I don’t know.  I don’t want to think about that, and I don’t want to have to worry about it for once.  Maybe I’ll feel differently after some time in a dorm, once I’ve moved past this experience.

I wouldn’t say this experience was horrible, but it wasn’t great.  I mean, they were nice, the food was good, and I didn’t have a curfew, but as I said, they never seemed interested, or after the first month, never tried to get to know me.  I’ve been tempted to think poorly of them, because there was that month where for some reason I felt unwelcome at home, but I can’t really hold a grudge against them.  We’re different people, and we live and act differently, and it didn’t work out.  I’m definitely more suited to independence, which I don’t think fits well with most host families, so I’ve been wondering if that’s something I should or could change, but for now I’m honestly a bit excited at the prospect of living by myself in Japan, if only for a few days.  Sure, I won’t have a kitchen, or a living area or anything, probably just a tiny room with space for a bed and a desk, but right now that sounds pretty good to me.